18/12/22
Merry Christmas, go on say it, not so hard is it? I have increasing fondness of this time of year, adding those two words at the end of emails and phone calls brings me joy. How lovely to wish your fellow humans good will at the darkest time of the year. Regardless of your beliefs, wether it be the return of the Sun or the arrival of the Son we have plenty to be thankful for, I say spread the love.
Having no idea how I would be feeling due to chemo I went early on the organising, card writing, present buying and planning mostly done by the end of November. I am glad that I did, the run up to Christmas has been smooth on this front at least. The chaos of chemo still resonates though, we still have broken cars and a house to fix.
We decided to decorate earlier than normal too, the gloomy weather provoking us. With the lights up and the tree decorated, the eight oktas of cloud cover outside seem less oppressive. Our tree makes me laugh too, a bizarre collection of home made ornaments, gifts and random purchases. Each one tells a tale and yes we really do have a Christmas Goat and a Christmas Cockroach.
Building your own traditions is half the fun of Christmas, we have always put the decorations up lubricated by a large glass or two of a good tawny port and listening to Jethro Tull’s album “Tales from the Wood” on repeat. It was especially lovely to do this again this year, something ‘normal’.
Being of the Gothic sensibility we have scary lights rather than fairy lights.
I acknowledge that this can be a tricky time of year, whilst some of us hold our families and friends closer and enjoy time together, for others the season paints a giant highlighter pen across their grief. There must be a deep sense of ‘just get through this, enjoy what you can’, the sensation that ‘someone important should be there with you’ casting a dark shadow.
This year has been a test for many of us and I will be raising my glass to those we lost. Sarge, Sarah, Graham Taylor, Mark Cradick, Martin Brown and Mike Wells. My life was better for knowing you all and I know this by the uncomfortable holes that you have left. Your partners and family will be very much in my thoughts, Vicci, Dave, Patti, Jayne, Wendy and Vic, hope you get through this ok.
With the end of the year approaching to say that I am happy to be reaching the end of active treatment is something of an understatement! One last chemo on 28th December then a few weeks break before 3 weeks radiotherapy. This feels like a long haul for both of us. The accumulation of the poisons is starting to take it’s toll, my resolve is still strong but my body is clearly having a fight. I look forward to the healing, to getting fit again and returning to something of a routine.
It may seem strange to say but I have never felt under threat by this, it has caused me to double down on my own resolve though. I am more determined that ever to squeak out every last bit of fun from life, even the difficult bits. I am thinking carefully about how I spend my time, who I spend it with and what I want to achieve.
Carpe diem, Merry Christmas and thank you for reading.