15/2/23
Rads are finally at an end, much relief all round. The side effects in my case are not too bad, the much warned about tiredness has not materialised. I do however, have a spectacular, livid, red, rectangular radiation burn on my chest, it looks alarming but is not painful. My limited reaction may be down to one of the supplements I am taking, the Flamigel cream or my exercise and health regime or a mixture of all of them, I will never know.
My recovery is on the whole progressing well, we are starting to pick up with our lives where we left off last July and I am in reflective mood.
I am sure most are familiar with the term PTSD, a condition the can affect the battle weary, both civilians and members of the armed forces. I wonder how many have come across it’s companion. Post Traumatic Gain?
The definition, as gleaned from Psychology today is
Post-Traumatic Growth is the positive psychological change that some individuals experience after a life crisis or traumatic event. Post-traumatic growth doesn’t deny deep distress, but rather posits that adversity can unintentionally yield changes in understanding oneself, others, and the world. Post-traumatic growth can, in fact, co-exist with post-traumatic stress disorder.
This shorthand term usefully describes some of my own experience. I don’t wish to diminish the unpleasant process that I have been through. The physical and mental tolls are still apparent. I do think I have gained though, these are my immediate thoughts, others may emerge in time.
RELATIONSHIPS AND COMMUNICATION
It has been underlined that I have many, absolutely rock solid friends, there are people I can utterly rely on for top quality hugs, conversation, laughter, tears, practical stuff, and advice. Some are quietly in the background, others running at it shouting along with me. I have true friends that have understood that when my own communication skills failed me it was not personal. I have learned when to ask for help and to lean on others when faltering.
Being quite so open about my diagnosis seems to have been a positive benefit, even the lady in the petrol station is rooting for me. When asked how I was, I have been brutally honest. Everyone who shared their own, or their loved ones experiences has given me information and courage. Telling the truth, sometimes awkward but ultimately the right choice.
I have been told that reading the detail of my journey has been useful. Even though cancer is alarmingly common, the minutiae of daily life through treatment is often omitted in official guidelines. Even the best sites lack some detail and/or are unnecessarily alarming.
I have learned that I can communicate well, I have always loved writing and in this instance have found it particularly cathartic, this thoroughly unpleasant experience has helped me find my voice. I will continue to write and practice wordcraft, and in time, focus on other subjects. Thank you everyone who has read along with my tale.
What I am capable of
I have surprised myself at times, I have dug into the depths and found new resources, mental and physical. The heroes that I have chosen and the reading that I have done has reaped benefits, their words echoing in my head and cajoling me into action. There were some very tough days, giving in would have been much easier but fighting was necessary and winning even tiny battles gave me a boost. This was not just for me, but for Dave, family and to keep our business going. Every once in a while it helps to look at the world outside your own suffering.
Between 30 and 60% of your personality is genetic, you are born with it, this helps explain some of my own tenacity, as anyone who met my late mother would attest to. As far as some bad traits are concerned, this is useful to know but should not be used as an excuse, if you find your traits unfavourable then build strategies to make them work for you. Find therapies and advice, you can modify your personality if you take charge. I have tried to pay attention to aspects of me that I dislike, impulsiveness being one of many. This is a lifetimes work.
If some of this seems a little harsh, I have also learnt to be kind to myself, to be a touch more forgiving and to acknowledge that all I have to do is be a little better than the person I was yesterday. Comparing yourself to others is foolish, in the advice of Jordan Peterson "Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.” And "Treat yourself like you are someone you are responsible for helping."
My physicality is not my identity
I have always hoped that I am more than my physical being, this has been confirmed. Dave has not stopped loving me or caring about me even when I have been exhausted, one breast missing, a few handfuls of dishevelled hair left and grumpy from lack of sleep. Friends have seen me looking my very worst, make up free, bags under my eyes, my complexion waxy and wan, they treated me no differently. I am welling up as I write this, thank you for seeing beyond the wreck that I was at times.
What is important
I can’t imagine many people go through this type of health crisis untouched, the threat of death tends to focus you on your priorities. What is important? What might be your deathbed regrets? What things give you true pleasure? What things do you really want to achieve? Where do you want to travel? Who do you want to help?
I now understand very deeply that health should be my number one priority, without this, all else can be diminished. With this at the forefront it is easier to decline drinks, cakes etc, it motivates me to exercise, meditate and get into regular sleep habits. I remind myself of it constantly, I know I am more use to others if my own health is in order.
I truly know that I need to work less, I was strategising on this pre-diagnosis, now I am putting it in to practice, a lot. We have Wednesdays off and are streamlining wherever we can. Being self employed and working from home, work has a tendency to bleed into what should be downtime. Sundays are ‘sacred’ again, absolutely no work or social media, a proper day off.
There is an increased urgency to enjoy more quality time with Dave, family and friends, to travel, to ride my bike, to swim in the sea, to read more, laugh more, to make our home more comfortable….. These things do not magic out of the air, I need make them happen.
I am more keenly aware of the fragility and shortness of our time on the planet, I want to use my time wisely.